Loved ones of the LGBTQI+ person during coming out (Reading)

1.Parents of LGBTQI+ children

Many parents feel uncertain when they learn of LGBTQI+ identity of their children: how to react and how to support their child. They love and want to help their child yet, may not understand or want to “encourage” their LGBTQI+ identity. Parents and caregivers often fear that others may hurt their LGBTQI+ child, so many react negatively to these identities or expressions of nonconformity. Torn between their beliefs, cultural norms, fear, shame, guilt and love for their offspring, they may say: “Keep a low profile. Don’t tell anybody else.” “Do you have to wear those clothes/this haircuts?” “Wait until you graduate to tell others you’re gay”. Youth hear these sentences as a rejection, but often parents use them to mask anxiety and fear of a hostile world. Some parents hold very discriminatory attitudes toward sexual orientations and gender identities different from the norm. They become hostile and violent: there are many cases of LGBTQI+ children physically punished, tortured, emotionally/sexually abused, forced to reparative therapies and even killed by their parents or caretakers. It is necessary in these cases that institutions such as social services, police, mental health professionals, organizations and shelters react promptly to protect the health, dignity and human rights of LGBTQI+ children.

Apart from situations when family members react violently toward their LGBTQI+ child, families are motivated to learn how to support their gay or transgender children when they realize that their words and actions have a powerful impact on their children’s survival and well-being. Parents are shocked to learn that their reaction can increase children’s risk of depression, self- harm, suicide, HIV infection and STDs, and other health problems (eg. anorexia, bulimia, drug, tobacco and alcohol abuse). Also, parents are often relieved to learn that talking with their children about their identity and expressing affection for their gay or transgender children, helps protect against these risks and their children’s well-being.

2. Spouses and partners

One important situation to write about is LGBTQI+ person coming out when being in a heterosexual, normative relationship or marriage. This is a very challenging and emotionally intense situation for both parties, there may be children and extended family who are involved in the process too. It is important to note that amongst LGBTQI+ persons the patterns and rules of relationships can differ from the hetenormative and monogamist ideals. Relationship dynamics can be quite similar to any other romantic relationships, but a lot of the time LGBTQI+ persons reconsider their previous ideas about relationships and normative rules alongside their identities. They may experiment and pursue relationship settings that feel more free to them (for example ethical non-monogamy) – thus LGBTQI+ persons who disclose their identity in a heteronormative relationship may not feel that the relatinship needs to end, but rather prefer to try to create new arrangements that can be unusal for the mental health professional. Or due to their minority status LGBTQI+ persons can experience a narrowing in their opportunities for romantic relationship partners, thus may stay in relationships that are abusive or not in line with their values.

The other topic to address is how LGBTQI+ persons navigate their coming out processes when they are in a queer relationship. The preferences and meanings attached to being out may differ greatly among the individuals in the LGBTQI+ couple, and this may pose challenges to their individual coming out processes. While in a relationship the coming out process is formed by the emotions and preferences of the other person too.

3. Children of LGBTQI+ persons

The question whether the parenting quality differs when a child is reared by a heterosexual or same-sex couple has been addressed since the 1970s, particulary in connection with child custody after divorce. There are dozens of researches confirming that sexual orientation has no influence on the ability to be a good parent. (To read more on this topic go to Module D).

“It can signify a big change in the family, especially when accompanied by all of the transitions that come with a divorce or break-up.”