Difficult conversations (Reading)

There are many reasons a conversation online or over the hotline can be difficult to handle. Maybe the topic or the way the conversation is going is a sensitive trigger for the operators themselves. Sometimes it is all about the meta-communication (what is the context of the talk) and the “background” of the talk which makes it hard – may be the connection is not ok, or the person leaves and comes back to the conversation repetitively, or the rhythm of collaboration between the operator and the person seeking help is not smooth.

Resistant clients

There are sometimes people who respond only with a “yes” or “no”, “I don’t know”, “You tell me…” answers no matter how hard the operator tries to explore or stimulate the conversation. More often than not, the operator will encounter people seeking help who have tunnel vision (looking only in one direction) and who cannot see any new possibilities. You would hear these clients state: “There is NOBODY who wants to help me,” or “I have already tried that…”

This type of difficult conversations might trigger a few reactions in the operator:

• A feeling of helplessness which turns into self-criticism – “ I can’t help this person no matter how hard I try.” “I haven’t done my job of supporting this person.” “I am a failure”.
• A feeling of helplessness which triggers a defense mechanism – In this case the operator might be willing to break all boundaries only to feel like they have done all needed to help. This is the unhealthiest way to deal with the chat/talk as it results in the operator, for example, stepping out of anonymity and crossing ethical guidelines (for example, giving their personal phone number so that the seeker of support might call them to continue the conversation privately).
• A feeling of anger, which turns into blaming the person seeking support – “I try so hard, I do everything I can and this person still doesn’t accept what I am saying.”

All of the above are understandable, but need to be worked through supervision (we will talk about that in the following pages). If the operator does not share all these feelings with the supervisor, the risk of burning out, not helping but hurting the person seeking support (unintentionally, for example by promising them something that is not achievable) is going to be high. So, let us remind ourselves how (in the best-case scenario) the person looking for support should be feeling after a chat or a call. The person does not necessarily need to have a clear solution to their problem but they should feel listened to and able to move forward in dealing with the problem that was the initial reason for the chat or call.

People usually contact the chat/helpline in order to:

• To manage a crisis situation (e.g. they feel down, sad, suicidal).
• To be reassured, to vent, to find out that they are not the only ones, to find out that they are normal, and to gain perspective.
• To develop strategies to gain control of the situation, to clear the mind and get focus.
• To think of some directions.
• To get information or to be referred.
• Simply to be in contact with another person

People would usually not feel ok after a chat or a call if:

• They needed some information and didn’t find it.
• They feel pressured into a solution or a referral.
• They don’t feel understood or taken seriously.
• They feel like the operator writes very slowly or is not engaged.
• They feel that the operator becomes “hopeless” or runs out of ideas.

It is very important to stress the fact that sometimes people seeking help have unrealistic expectations of what the role of the operator is. They should be constantly reminded that the online chat/hotline is not therapy or psychological support, but a source of emotional support. The competencies of the operators, no matter whether they are psychologists or not, should stay in the realm of providing emotional guidance and support, not giving direct advice, refraining from bluntly stating what the person should or should not do. It might be challenging for the operator to leave the decision-making in the hands of the support seeker. It is always easier to hand them the solution ourselves. But the goal of the online/hotline support is to empower the person, finding their own resources of coping, with our guidance.

Aggressive chats/ calls

After being challenged in the previously outlined ways, sometimes the operator might feel an urge to react to the client with a more aggressive communication style. The operator can also be challenged by aggressive communication and behaviour coming from the caller. It is not easy to handle these types of calls but we should remind ourselves what our role is in providing support. The most important advice would be for the operator not to get into the same mode of communication, stay emotionally distant and repeat what the purpose of the chat/hotline platform is, be slow with their answers and stay polite. If the client does not stop the aggressive behaviour, the operator is allowed to end the chat/call and if they see a systematic attempt of this client to engage in aggressive talks, to block them from using this service.

People who are not truthful

During a chat, it is difficult to verify whether a person is representing themselves honestly. As operators it is important to remind ourselves that honesty sometimes is not so crucial. The operator should focus on the responses they provide. Playing with different identities in cyberspace can even be used constructively in the chat. Having a conversation with a stranger about something that is difficult and personal is not easy for anyone. For young people who may have lived socially isolated for years, possibly because of bullying, neglect or abuse in the home, it is certainly not easy. For others, the mistrust in the confidentiality policies might trigger the need to present themselves and their story as different from the real one. Operators are not detectives and they should not be focusing on the fact-checking of the stories told, but mostly on the emotional background of these narratives. Eventually, the person seeking support might open up to them and start sharing the situation as it is. A frequent concern for the people seeking support might be whether whatever they say will be shown to anyone else. Depending on the policies of the company, the operator might say that the chats are stored in an online database and if they return to the chat another time, another operator might ask for permission to see the previous chats. This information should not be withheld from the person.

Repeated contacts/frequent users

There will often be people who will seek support about the same issue several/many times. It usually becomes a difficult conversation if the chat sessions don’t contribute to an improvement in the person’s situation. There are people for whom contacting the chat/helpline again and again is not about the improvement of their life situation, but a desire for immediate contact, attention or other things. They can become burdensome. Again, we should remind ourselves of the purpose of the chat/helpline support – to contribute to the positive development of the person’s situation. If that is not possible, we should refer the person to a more relevant and useful source of help. If the operator suspects that the person is masturbating (this can be more achievable over the phone by the tone of their voice), then they are allowed to end the conversation politely. If the conversation is held over chat and the operator feels like there is sensitive sexual information, then they can slow down their responses and go back to the main question “What is it that you need help with at the moment?”